Picnickin' is funzies.

Picnic today. And my baby... Oh, Steven. You still have no idea how much you mean to me. No idea. You probably never will, because I just can't explain it. Seriously...

I am so so very happy right now. I could burst with how much joy I'm feeling right now. He just... Ahhh. He's amazing.

Today. Was a whole four hours of everything special. Just the amount of time alone left me more satisfied than ever. We still got our time cut shorter than I wanted (big surprise, I want us to stay like that forever) but I'm still sitting here at home with this goofy smile on my face and the loneliness-vacuum in my emotions patched, for now. He never gives up, on making me feel good about myself, and that means more than he can imagine. No one has given or gives me that kind of support, made me feel that confident about my looks. After a while I tried not to care, but I always wanted it. It means the world to me.

I'm with my dream guy. He's everything I've ever wanted. His outlook on life? Flawless. His personality? Flawless. His looks? Flawless. I mean, added bonus, the guy does fucking FLIPS. C'mon. There are no words.

There are other things in my life that still cast shadows, but Steven is like a bright blazing sun in the midst of all of it. He's so perfect and unbelievable. I want him for forever. <3

Finally, some happiness.

I am happy. I don't know how else to put it, or what has changed. But I'm finally happy, even though all my problems are still going on.

I'm sure a few days from now, the elation from whatever will fade and I will be back to being depressed. But until then, I'm so calm, and peaceful. J feel so good. I've been counting my blessings, and I have a lot that I should remember to appreciate... You never know when it could be taken from you.

Remember to love your loved ones every chance you get... I see now, the moments I have with them are so precious <3

Longer post. :3

Last night I was thumb-lazy. S'what comes from blogging off your iPod.

Today I'm on my pyooter. So this'll actually be a post.

Diet.... I'm finding it easier to just not eat. Like, before, I was all "eat in moderation," but that doesn't work. My gluttonous self can't handle it. So if I just don't eat and don't eat and don't eat... and then eat a teeny bit of whatever meal my family's having... and then LEAVE the table... I do okay. I might actually get to my goal before graduation. It'd be nice to be able to wear a dress that actually shows some of my body and doesn't swath me like a burka. Haha.

Exercise is a different story. I pulled my right groin muscle on Friday on a roundoff, of all things. And it wasn't even sore beforehand, which puzzles me. But then again, since each of my legs weighs about thirty pounds and I wasn't warmed up, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Damn overweightness. So anyway, that kind of puts an immediate stop to any running/dancing/tumbling I was planning on doing. And since I'm not at the gym except on Fridays, I can't turn it into a bars workout. It's just conditioning, conditioning, conditioning at home. Which sucks. I HAVE PLENTY OF MUSCLE. I don't WANT any more muscle. Under all this fat, it just makes me look fatter. :/ I am angers. I want to be able to run. Oh wells.

OH, on other news: I'm gonna get a B in statistics, and my dad is gonna kill me. If I don't kill myself first. (I'm not really gonna kill myself. But I might run away from home.)

I MISS PEOPLE

It really sucks having no life. I haven't gotten to see Sarah or Bekah near enough in the last few months. Fucking senior year.

Kinda funny that even though all my other friends talk about how much they love me and how chummy we are, we're really NOT that great of friends. Like, if I suddenly couldn't ever see them again tomorrow, I wouldn't even shed a tear. I mostly use them for excuses to get out of the house and hangout with my real friends, haha. I think that makes me a horrible person. Oh well. :3

My real friends list:

Bekah.
Sarah.
Lily.
Noah.
Bear.

So like, the Pentagon plus Sarah.

That's pretty much it. I don't even relate to Moe that much anymore. Like, we're still good friends, but I don't feel like I can tell her everything anymore. And a real friend, you're supposed to be able to tell them anything... It's not that. I know I could tell her, and she wouldn't freak out. But I know she'd judge me inwardly, and probably never look at me the same. Which, I don't really care, but I'm making a point.

So on the note of being able to tell someone everything, I'll add Steven to the real friends list, even though that's not really his category. He's more under the "you are the light of my life and so I tell you everything" category.

Lately I feel like I don't fit into society at all. Which is cool with me. Society sucks dick. I've got my Merry Band of Misfits, and we're gonna be like zombie apocalypse survivors and kick some major ass. We'll REDEFINE society. And then rule it by giving everyone cake and all that good shit.

Oh, one more thing. I GET REALLY REALLY JEALOUS. For like, no reason. Especially when people beat me at my own game. Example: Last open gym, Jordan was doing 2 1/2 twists on the floor. I got super super jelly that she could do more impressive shit than me. I was surprised at myself, but then I was like, naw mang, you've been like that for forever. It's just more noticeable now because you've got a boyfriend and you want him to see you be the best at everything. Obviously, that can't happen all the time, but I'm used to it happening with gymnastics. Ah, well. Fuckit.

Shit's gettin' done. :3

GUESS WHO FINISHED THEIR ESSAY AND THEIR GRADUATION SPEECH.

This girl.

GUESS WHO KEPT HER CALORIE INTAKE UNDER 500 FOR FOUR DAYS IN A ROW.

Thiiiiis girl!!

Guess who has the most amazingest boyfriend in the world.

I do. :3

I feel super positive about everything in my life for the first time in probably four months. And on this note, I bid thee adieu. :D

POSITIVENESS. (This one is readable.) ;)

I finished that DAMN essay on The Prince, this classical book by Machiavelli. I never want to see that book again... It's so wrong, his detachment about killing people. And the admiration he has for the scumbags he references... Italians are fucking crazy. ;) Of course, I suppose if I had been thrown into prison and tortured for a year, I would too.

Doing alright on my diet... I want to go to one of those photo shoots that lady advertises on Facebook. They look like fun... and I know that I could get some really cool pictures out of them. Gymnasts get to be creative. :)

There were a couple instances today where Steven was telling me about stuff... and I wished that I could hop in the car and be there. In the fall... it'll be a reality. I'll always have his back on everything. We'll be inseparable. But for now it's frustrating... I end up pacing and yelling at the ceiling like a mental patient. Hahaha.

Only two more days till I see him, hopefully. I wanna cuddle. :3

Well...

Well, I suppose that I should be fair and not only bitch about things in my life. There is good. There is always good.

Here's some good for ya.

I, uh, am doing alright on my diet. Slowly, VERY slowly losing fat. When I changed shirts at the gym tonight, he saw me in my sports bra... Said that my abs were almost back. Ahhaaa, right, babe. Whatever. He's trying to make me feel good, which I appreciate.

I did a lot of tumbling tonight. Fun, yes, but I screwed up my right quad again. I hope I haven't permanently damaged it... It shouldn't hurt this much all the time. But I'm talking about positive stuff. Moving on.

Uhm, oh right, Steven. I got to see him tonight. :D This once-a-week thing is really hard for me. I miss him for six days, and get two hours, and then another six days where I feel lonely and depressed all over again. This feeling of being loved is so new, and I find myself wishing for his company all the time.. Normal, but hard when I can't just hop in the car and go see him-- ZZZOOOP. stopping. Only positive thoughts. Ahem.

So, we got to cuddle for a little bit tonight. That was when the whole being-loved thing kind of dawned on me. We were sitting in a corner of the foam pit, all kind of snuggled up, and I couldn't explain this feeling I had... Tingly and warm, but not all revved and hot like I usually feel when I'm around him. Less sexually-oriented and more like... A space in my chest being filled. I felt safe, and warm and just... LOVED. I could have stayed like that forever. We tell each other that we love each other, all the time, which according to everyone (fuck them) isn't real yet, and I have no experience, but I FELT it. Right there. Just this deep happiness that I've never had. With anything else.

We talked about kids today. Haha, that was a funny conversation. I kind of started it off, talking about what we were going to do with sports when we got old, because I wanted to see how comfortable he was with talking about our future. I mean, we've only been together for a month... And if he's not thinking longterm, I don't want to be like, "OMG WE'RE GETTING MARRIED RIGHT?!" and have him be like "what the fuck?! No, I want a life!" which I know he wouldn't say, but still. No rushing.

So he wants a son, obviously. He seemed not too hot on the idea of having a daughter, but I'm sorry. We will. I HAVE DECIDED. I will have at least one daughter and there's nothing you can do about it, bucko. :D Anyway. He doesn't know how good it made me feel to talk about that. I'm so scared all the time that I'll do something or something will happen and it'll be the end of us... Discussing a possible far distant future between us makes me feel like we at least have our daydreams in the right mindset. I know it's soon, but I have thought a LOT on this... And I don't know how he feels... And I wont ask him until the best possible moment, which may be a long time from now... But I would be so, so, perfectly, more-than-perfectly content to spend the rest of my life with him. Wherever it takes me.

So genius. But at least something is positive.

Well, I found my iPod. It had fallen off my desk into my garbage can, hence why I couldn't find it for so long. Genius.

But... You know what this means, right? More Steven-texting!!! ;) and he's getting a phone on Friday, so it'll be constant communication. I like that. And I love talking to him, so it's a win-win. :)

My homework load isn't any less. I'm whittling away at it, but it's taking so long... And my graduation speech... but I can do it. And that DAMN AP test that I have to take in May... Still haven't finished my essay on The Prince yet. I never want to see that fucking book again. D:

Weight loss. I blow my diet. Almost every day. Some days I do so well, and others... I have to keep trying, though. I have till May 19 to be down to 130 pounds. That's 17 pounds to go. I want to just starve myself, which would be easier than trying to still eat in moderation, but I'm worried that will make my weight plateau. That my body will go into starvation mode and start storing fat... THAT, I do not need. I have plenty. Thoughts, anyone? Starve, or no starve? Eating in moderation does not work. I binge. No self-control.

I can't wait till I drive. I'll get to see Steven whenever I'm in town, and he might take college classes too. :) I miss him. Friday, where are you? :(

So crazy in love right now.

Well, tonight was the first time I'd ever kissed anyone. For all seventeen years of my life.

And I am so so so glad that it was Steven.

That boy drives me so crazy, he has no idea. We kissed twice today at the courthouse... And held hands... And later, we did some handstands and stuff on the edge of the planters around the courthouse and then sat side by side and just talked. I kind of leaned my head on his shoulder and stroked his arm. Because his arm is really buff, and I liked doing that. :3 And he didn't seem to mind. So that was really nice, too.

But yeah... I've been replaying the whole night over and over in my head. I can't believe that it actually happened... It all seems surreal. But I'm just so so happy right now... I can't take it.

We were at the courthouse, or we probably would have made out right there. I totally could have. He's so smoking hot that I melt.

Haha, we have Friday. It'll be okay. ;)

I love that boy so much. I prayed for someone like him for so long, and I'm not gonna screw this up. I'm going to tell my parents and get actual permission to date as soon as I get my room clean and get caught up on my homework. No later than early April.

Being in love is really weird. I'm not sure how to deal with this. :)

Well. :D

Not sure how to put it, but things are looking up.

Steven, actually. Just him. For some reason, my earlier suspicions about him are dissipating. Still hovering, but significantly thinner.

He's just so sweet. He had had a big fight with one of his best friends tonight, and I cheered him up a bit, but he got depressed again later. And he didn't want to make me listen to him be depressed, but I kind of forced him to get it out, you know? I do that with a few other friends. It always seems to work. Get the problem out into the open, and then work on it till it goes away. So that's what I did, and it worked for a while, but then his friend must've texted him again or something, because he said something about the problems restarting? and he kind of went down. And then here's the kicker. He APOLOGIZED. To me. When I was the one who made him talk to me about it in the first place. He says, "im sorry for jerking you around with my emotions all day.. i really didnt mean to"

And then before I can respond, he says, "So, hi. What's up?" trying to change the subject. Is it just me, or does that seem unrealistically sweet?

Anyway, long story short, I cheered him up again (I think, he told me I was making him smile) and then told him go to bed, even though he wanted to stay up and talk more. So sweet. :D

An elaborate hoax to make himself seem caring and awesome? Maybe. But that just sounds like a conspiracy theory, ridiculous, the more I think about it.

Anyway. We'll know soon enough. He's coming to the gym on Friday. At 6:30.

I'm really really super duper excited. And so is he. He said he had butterflies.

I went and screamed into my pillow for an hour after we said goodbye.

I'm so unreasonably excited, I want to crawl into a hole and stay there with my happiness. Weird, I know. But I don't know what to do with myself!!!

Even though I don't want him to do it over my opinion, and told him so, I think he's gonna cut his hair. This just gets crazier and crazier. There's no way he could care that much about what I think, and yet I think he does. Or something.

And to add to the list of things right about Steven: he loves shooting. This is a direct copy and paste. Ignore the grammar mistakes. I think they're cute. :3

"i love shooting to haha, and swimming. cooking, idk how to cook lol. does top ramen count? and pb&j's?"

ISNT THAT THE CUTEST THING YOU'VE EVER READ?!!!!

Every time I add up his qualities in my head (minus the hair, I CAN'T GET PAST THAT rofl) I think, "my kinda guy."

What's happening to me?? :D

Confuuuuusion.

I don't know what to make of Steven. Honestly.

On one hand, he's super nice, really complimentary, and agrees with all my values and opinions.

On the other hand, it seems too good to be true. The only thing that makes me think that he's probably okay? That he's not perfect. He seems kinda vain (shirtless mirror pics) and he has long hair.

It's pretty sad when I have to revert to things like that to evaluate people. I feel like I'm blinded. Like I'm not looking at this with a clear head. I have this intense feeling that something's wrong.

And I know I can't trust my feelings, either. I've had intense feelings that something's RIGHT, when it absolutely wasn't. So I have NOTHING to go on.

I'm finally, maybe gonna meet him on Thursday. Maybe. Bear and him and the rest of their parkour club will be downtown. I told them to stop by the Peer Court building so I could run down and say hi. I'm wondering how that'll turn out.

He said during our conversation tonight, "You're safe with me. <3" after I told him not to tell anyone about my weight. He's just... I don't know. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT HE ACTUALLY LIKES ME. But I can't shake the feeling that it's like Nicky, and he just wants to get in my pants. Or that he's a douche. I don't know.

I asked Bear about it. I tell you, that kid is incapable of giving a straight answer. Give him one thread to digress to, and before long he's making porn jokes and you've both forgotten your original question. All I got out of our conversation was that Steven said, "Are you trying to hook us up? Cause I'd be fine with it," which is what Steven told me, so at least he's being truthful; that Bear's been working on his anime drawings; and that it's actually really hilarious when you replace random words with "cum." Wow, Bear. So helpful.

One thing he did say, though, was that Steven was NOT a douche. Although, it was in the middle of a bunch of jokes he was making, so I don't know if he meant it or not. But I'm pretty sure he was serious. So that made me feel a tiny bit better. But the whole thing is just so... iffy. Gahhh.

I'm going to wait until after I meet him to make any solid opinions.

The whole thing is NOT helped by the fact that he makes me feel so amazing. It's the first time in my life that I don't feel insecure about ANYTHING, with a guy, even talking to him. I don't have to try to be cool, I don't have to pretend to be all badass or anything. Hell, I told him my weight. I'VE NEVER TOLD A GUY HOW MUCH I WEIGH. Excepting Jason, because he wasn't a romantic interest. But really. And Steven just was so chill about ALL of it. EVERYTHING I TOLD HIM. Later, he says, "What would you say if I told you, I have a real soft spot... And I love cuddling? Lol" and I said some funny and super non-committal response, since I didn't know what to think about that... And then I said, "What would YOU say if I told you I'm very conservative, but not in the older sense, very Christian, and I love shooting? Since all three of those seem to be very unpopular these days." And he says, "I would say you are very intelligent, those last two are awesome.... me too."

I couldn't help it. I freaked out. It's seriously, TOO GOOD. Only thing keeping me from being REALLY suspicious about his lack of douche-ness is that he has long hair cause he's trying to copy a parkour guy he likes. So there's at least ONE thing wrong with him. Sorta wrong. But it's a wrong thing that's understandable. So it's not really a mark down in his favor.

AHHH IM SO CONFUSED AND UNSURE AND FREAKED OUT AND SCARED :(

I don't know. I'm tired. I'm sleeping. :/

Good and Bad Shit Goin' Down.

Berndt added me to this parkour page called North Bay Traceurs. Made me feel super important. Lol.

And whilst I was on there, I posted a video of my wall flip from Friday. The one I re-learned. A couple of guys commented on it, including this one guy who's friends with Bear. Name's Steven. Then Bear's friend Brian, who I met at Kid's Kingdom that time when we all parkour-jammed, requested me. And then Steven requested me. Brian's not really my type, plus, I suspect he's got a girlfriend. But Steven's kinda cute. And he's hot. Like, super super nice abs.

But when he's got girls over there calling him "handsome" on his status and shit... Dude. I can't compete with that.

It's pitiful how unnoticed and invisible I feel sometimes. Bleh.

But in other good news, Dad's promised to set up a kind of parkour course in my backyard. That'll be fun. :D

I've found that I honestly love parkour. :)

BETTER.

Well. Today was significantly better.

Went to the gym at two and worked on parkour tricks, stuff to teach tonight's new parkour class at the gym. Had a one-hour private with this little crazy energetic child, and she made me really, really tired.

Then a three-hour practice (a down note in that, but at the end) that went pretty well. And I tumbled a ton, too.

Then another hour of parkour. Constant. I think my legs and arms and everything in my entire freaking body is gonna DIE. But the class went great, and the guys seemed to like it, so that's good.

One of 'em is kinda cute. But I don't know if he's with anyone... he goes to the dance studio, and that says it all. Until I lose weight, I don't think I can compete with that. But you never know. If he's worth his salt, he'll like me despite anything, right? Ha, ha. Yeah right. Anyhoo.

I'm having daydreams of being able to parkour in a sports bra during the boiling hot summer 'cause I'll be so skinny. And I know I can do it! Today was soooo good diet-wise.

Seaweed and two bites of a ham/egg/cheese thin bagel for lunch. I got up too late to call it breakfast.
Three iced teas, and then two chunks of slow-roast beef and some stir-fried veggies for dinner. Oh, and two nectarines. That's IT. THAT'S ALL I ATE TODAY. I'm oh-so-happy. It's a diet jumpstart!!

:DDDDDDDDDD

Ugh.

I'm such an insomniac.

Really sore today, but I feel good, like I worked off some of the calories I ate.
Still depressed, though.

Tomorrow will be better.

My brain annoys me.

My subconscious needs a slap.

I dreamed about an old crush last night. It was so real, and I woke up crying. I hate that I'm so weak emotionally. He wasn't even a good pick, it turned out. So why do I cry? Beats me. I want so badly to experience love, I guess. I want to know how real love, not one-way infatuation, feels.

I'm having trouble staying on my diet. I have to shrink my appetite, which means being hungry for a while as I eat less until my stomach shrinks. I've done it before, and lost eight pounds. And then gained it all back during Christmas break. So I know I can do it. It's just not pleasant. Green tea helps, though. A LOT. Thank God for Costco.

Hopefully I can trim down enough before my friend's birthday party so that I can wear the clothes I want... I've got exactly 25 days. I can do it. 140. Grrr. >:[

So it begins...

Well, here's my first blog. I'm using this as kind of a journal, so to speak. Hoping that by writing and writing and writing, I can be totally honest with myself and sculpt myself into the ultimate me, spiritually and physically. I'm a long way from either. Let me explain.

I'm 17. I used to be a gymnast. I made it to Level 9, competed a year, and then tore my ACL and quit.

Now, if you've been a high-level athlete of any kind, you understand how when you work out 20 hours a week, your metabolism is incredible. You can pretty much not worry AT ALL about how many calories you eat.

And so I did. I was 14, at 5' 2", a trim 120 pounds and PACKED with muscle.

Then I got hurt, and I was on crutches after surgery and unable to exercise AT ALL. 20 hrs a week to ZERO. My sister cautioned me, as she had quit a few years before, to slow down on my calorie intake so as not to end up overweight like she did. My parent told me the same. And I ignored them. I ate just like I was still in the gym, and I gained.

I gained weight. It was inevitable. Unnoticeable at first, then my jeans started getting tighter. I went from being a 0 to being a size three in the first five months. And it progressed. That first year, 2010, after surgery, I was 132 pounds. I ran all summer, an managed to maintain that weight. It was alright. Then school started. I ran out of time. And I started gaining again, and never got back.

Today, I'm 5' 3" and 150 pounds. And I will get back to 120 by this summer.

Thanks for reading. <3