Picnic today. And my baby... Oh, Steven. You still have no idea how much you mean to me. No idea. You probably never will, because I just can't explain it. Seriously...
I am so so very happy right now. I could burst with how much joy I'm feeling right now. He just... Ahhh. He's amazing.
Today. Was a whole four hours of everything special. Just the amount of time alone left me more satisfied than ever. We still got our time cut shorter than I wanted (big surprise, I want us to stay like that forever) but I'm still sitting here at home with this goofy smile on my face and the loneliness-vacuum in my emotions patched, for now. He never gives up, on making me feel good about myself, and that means more than he can imagine. No one has given or gives me that kind of support, made me feel that confident about my looks. After a while I tried not to care, but I always wanted it. It means the world to me.
I'm with my dream guy. He's everything I've ever wanted. His outlook on life? Flawless. His personality? Flawless. His looks? Flawless. I mean, added bonus, the guy does fucking FLIPS. C'mon. There are no words.
There are other things in my life that still cast shadows, but Steven is like a bright blazing sun in the midst of all of it. He's so perfect and unbelievable. I want him for forever. <3
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Finally, some happiness.
I am happy. I don't know how else to put it, or what has changed. But I'm finally happy, even though all my problems are still going on.
I'm sure a few days from now, the elation from whatever will fade and I will be back to being depressed. But until then, I'm so calm, and peaceful. J feel so good. I've been counting my blessings, and I have a lot that I should remember to appreciate... You never know when it could be taken from you.
Remember to love your loved ones every chance you get... I see now, the moments I have with them are so precious <3
I'm sure a few days from now, the elation from whatever will fade and I will be back to being depressed. But until then, I'm so calm, and peaceful. J feel so good. I've been counting my blessings, and I have a lot that I should remember to appreciate... You never know when it could be taken from you.
Remember to love your loved ones every chance you get... I see now, the moments I have with them are so precious <3
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Longer post. :3
Last night I was thumb-lazy. S'what comes from blogging off your iPod.
Today I'm on my pyooter. So this'll actually be a post.
Diet.... I'm finding it easier to just not eat. Like, before, I was all "eat in moderation," but that doesn't work. My gluttonous self can't handle it. So if I just don't eat and don't eat and don't eat... and then eat a teeny bit of whatever meal my family's having... and then LEAVE the table... I do okay. I might actually get to my goal before graduation. It'd be nice to be able to wear a dress that actually shows some of my body and doesn't swath me like a burka. Haha.
Exercise is a different story. I pulled my right groin muscle on Friday on a roundoff, of all things. And it wasn't even sore beforehand, which puzzles me. But then again, since each of my legs weighs about thirty pounds and I wasn't warmed up, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Damn overweightness. So anyway, that kind of puts an immediate stop to any running/dancing/tumbling I was planning on doing. And since I'm not at the gym except on Fridays, I can't turn it into a bars workout. It's just conditioning, conditioning, conditioning at home. Which sucks. I HAVE PLENTY OF MUSCLE. I don't WANT any more muscle. Under all this fat, it just makes me look fatter. :/ I am angers. I want to be able to run. Oh wells.
OH, on other news: I'm gonna get a B in statistics, and my dad is gonna kill me. If I don't kill myself first. (I'm not really gonna kill myself. But I might run away from home.)
I MISS PEOPLE
It really sucks having no life. I haven't gotten to see Sarah or Bekah near enough in the last few months. Fucking senior year.
Kinda funny that even though all my other friends talk about how much they love me and how chummy we are, we're really NOT that great of friends. Like, if I suddenly couldn't ever see them again tomorrow, I wouldn't even shed a tear. I mostly use them for excuses to get out of the house and hangout with my real friends, haha. I think that makes me a horrible person. Oh well. :3
My real friends list:
Bekah.
Sarah.
Lily.
Noah.
Bear.
So like, the Pentagon plus Sarah.
That's pretty much it. I don't even relate to Moe that much anymore. Like, we're still good friends, but I don't feel like I can tell her everything anymore. And a real friend, you're supposed to be able to tell them anything... It's not that. I know I could tell her, and she wouldn't freak out. But I know she'd judge me inwardly, and probably never look at me the same. Which, I don't really care, but I'm making a point.
So on the note of being able to tell someone everything, I'll add Steven to the real friends list, even though that's not really his category. He's more under the "you are the light of my life and so I tell you everything" category.
Lately I feel like I don't fit into society at all. Which is cool with me. Society sucks dick. I've got my Merry Band of Misfits, and we're gonna be like zombie apocalypse survivors and kick some major ass. We'll REDEFINE society. And then rule it by giving everyone cake and all that good shit.
Oh, one more thing. I GET REALLY REALLY JEALOUS. For like, no reason. Especially when people beat me at my own game. Example: Last open gym, Jordan was doing 2 1/2 twists on the floor. I got super super jelly that she could do more impressive shit than me. I was surprised at myself, but then I was like, naw mang, you've been like that for forever. It's just more noticeable now because you've got a boyfriend and you want him to see you be the best at everything. Obviously, that can't happen all the time, but I'm used to it happening with gymnastics. Ah, well. Fuckit.
Today I'm on my pyooter. So this'll actually be a post.
Diet.... I'm finding it easier to just not eat. Like, before, I was all "eat in moderation," but that doesn't work. My gluttonous self can't handle it. So if I just don't eat and don't eat and don't eat... and then eat a teeny bit of whatever meal my family's having... and then LEAVE the table... I do okay. I might actually get to my goal before graduation. It'd be nice to be able to wear a dress that actually shows some of my body and doesn't swath me like a burka. Haha.
Exercise is a different story. I pulled my right groin muscle on Friday on a roundoff, of all things. And it wasn't even sore beforehand, which puzzles me. But then again, since each of my legs weighs about thirty pounds and I wasn't warmed up, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Damn overweightness. So anyway, that kind of puts an immediate stop to any running/dancing/tumbling I was planning on doing. And since I'm not at the gym except on Fridays, I can't turn it into a bars workout. It's just conditioning, conditioning, conditioning at home. Which sucks. I HAVE PLENTY OF MUSCLE. I don't WANT any more muscle. Under all this fat, it just makes me look fatter. :/ I am angers. I want to be able to run. Oh wells.
OH, on other news: I'm gonna get a B in statistics, and my dad is gonna kill me. If I don't kill myself first. (I'm not really gonna kill myself. But I might run away from home.)
I MISS PEOPLE
It really sucks having no life. I haven't gotten to see Sarah or Bekah near enough in the last few months. Fucking senior year.
Kinda funny that even though all my other friends talk about how much they love me and how chummy we are, we're really NOT that great of friends. Like, if I suddenly couldn't ever see them again tomorrow, I wouldn't even shed a tear. I mostly use them for excuses to get out of the house and hangout with my real friends, haha. I think that makes me a horrible person. Oh well. :3
My real friends list:
Bekah.
Sarah.
Lily.
Noah.
Bear.
So like, the Pentagon plus Sarah.
That's pretty much it. I don't even relate to Moe that much anymore. Like, we're still good friends, but I don't feel like I can tell her everything anymore. And a real friend, you're supposed to be able to tell them anything... It's not that. I know I could tell her, and she wouldn't freak out. But I know she'd judge me inwardly, and probably never look at me the same. Which, I don't really care, but I'm making a point.
So on the note of being able to tell someone everything, I'll add Steven to the real friends list, even though that's not really his category. He's more under the "you are the light of my life and so I tell you everything" category.
Lately I feel like I don't fit into society at all. Which is cool with me. Society sucks dick. I've got my Merry Band of Misfits, and we're gonna be like zombie apocalypse survivors and kick some major ass. We'll REDEFINE society. And then rule it by giving everyone cake and all that good shit.
Oh, one more thing. I GET REALLY REALLY JEALOUS. For like, no reason. Especially when people beat me at my own game. Example: Last open gym, Jordan was doing 2 1/2 twists on the floor. I got super super jelly that she could do more impressive shit than me. I was surprised at myself, but then I was like, naw mang, you've been like that for forever. It's just more noticeable now because you've got a boyfriend and you want him to see you be the best at everything. Obviously, that can't happen all the time, but I'm used to it happening with gymnastics. Ah, well. Fuckit.
Shit's gettin' done. :3
GUESS WHO FINISHED THEIR ESSAY AND THEIR GRADUATION SPEECH.
This girl.
GUESS WHO KEPT HER CALORIE INTAKE UNDER 500 FOR FOUR DAYS IN A ROW.
Thiiiiis girl!!
Guess who has the most amazingest boyfriend in the world.
I do. :3
I feel super positive about everything in my life for the first time in probably four months. And on this note, I bid thee adieu. :D
This girl.
GUESS WHO KEPT HER CALORIE INTAKE UNDER 500 FOR FOUR DAYS IN A ROW.
Thiiiiis girl!!
Guess who has the most amazingest boyfriend in the world.
I do. :3
I feel super positive about everything in my life for the first time in probably four months. And on this note, I bid thee adieu. :D
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
POSITIVENESS. (This one is readable.) ;)
I finished that DAMN essay on The Prince, this classical book by Machiavelli. I never want to see that book again... It's so wrong, his detachment about killing people. And the admiration he has for the scumbags he references... Italians are fucking crazy. ;) Of course, I suppose if I had been thrown into prison and tortured for a year, I would too.
Doing alright on my diet... I want to go to one of those photo shoots that lady advertises on Facebook. They look like fun... and I know that I could get some really cool pictures out of them. Gymnasts get to be creative. :)
There were a couple instances today where Steven was telling me about stuff... and I wished that I could hop in the car and be there. In the fall... it'll be a reality. I'll always have his back on everything. We'll be inseparable. But for now it's frustrating... I end up pacing and yelling at the ceiling like a mental patient. Hahaha.
Only two more days till I see him, hopefully. I wanna cuddle. :3
Doing alright on my diet... I want to go to one of those photo shoots that lady advertises on Facebook. They look like fun... and I know that I could get some really cool pictures out of them. Gymnasts get to be creative. :)
There were a couple instances today where Steven was telling me about stuff... and I wished that I could hop in the car and be there. In the fall... it'll be a reality. I'll always have his back on everything. We'll be inseparable. But for now it's frustrating... I end up pacing and yelling at the ceiling like a mental patient. Hahaha.
Only two more days till I see him, hopefully. I wanna cuddle. :3
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Well...
Well, I suppose that I should be fair and not only bitch about things in my life. There is good. There is always good.
Here's some good for ya.
I, uh, am doing alright on my diet. Slowly, VERY slowly losing fat. When I changed shirts at the gym tonight, he saw me in my sports bra... Said that my abs were almost back. Ahhaaa, right, babe. Whatever. He's trying to make me feel good, which I appreciate.
I did a lot of tumbling tonight. Fun, yes, but I screwed up my right quad again. I hope I haven't permanently damaged it... It shouldn't hurt this much all the time. But I'm talking about positive stuff. Moving on.
Uhm, oh right, Steven. I got to see him tonight. :D This once-a-week thing is really hard for me. I miss him for six days, and get two hours, and then another six days where I feel lonely and depressed all over again. This feeling of being loved is so new, and I find myself wishing for his company all the time.. Normal, but hard when I can't just hop in the car and go see him-- ZZZOOOP. stopping. Only positive thoughts. Ahem.
So, we got to cuddle for a little bit tonight. That was when the whole being-loved thing kind of dawned on me. We were sitting in a corner of the foam pit, all kind of snuggled up, and I couldn't explain this feeling I had... Tingly and warm, but not all revved and hot like I usually feel when I'm around him. Less sexually-oriented and more like... A space in my chest being filled. I felt safe, and warm and just... LOVED. I could have stayed like that forever. We tell each other that we love each other, all the time, which according to everyone (fuck them) isn't real yet, and I have no experience, but I FELT it. Right there. Just this deep happiness that I've never had. With anything else.
We talked about kids today. Haha, that was a funny conversation. I kind of started it off, talking about what we were going to do with sports when we got old, because I wanted to see how comfortable he was with talking about our future. I mean, we've only been together for a month... And if he's not thinking longterm, I don't want to be like, "OMG WE'RE GETTING MARRIED RIGHT?!" and have him be like "what the fuck?! No, I want a life!" which I know he wouldn't say, but still. No rushing.
So he wants a son, obviously. He seemed not too hot on the idea of having a daughter, but I'm sorry. We will. I HAVE DECIDED. I will have at least one daughter and there's nothing you can do about it, bucko. :D Anyway. He doesn't know how good it made me feel to talk about that. I'm so scared all the time that I'll do something or something will happen and it'll be the end of us... Discussing a possible far distant future between us makes me feel like we at least have our daydreams in the right mindset. I know it's soon, but I have thought a LOT on this... And I don't know how he feels... And I wont ask him until the best possible moment, which may be a long time from now... But I would be so, so, perfectly, more-than-perfectly content to spend the rest of my life with him. Wherever it takes me.
Here's some good for ya.
I, uh, am doing alright on my diet. Slowly, VERY slowly losing fat. When I changed shirts at the gym tonight, he saw me in my sports bra... Said that my abs were almost back. Ahhaaa, right, babe. Whatever. He's trying to make me feel good, which I appreciate.
I did a lot of tumbling tonight. Fun, yes, but I screwed up my right quad again. I hope I haven't permanently damaged it... It shouldn't hurt this much all the time. But I'm talking about positive stuff. Moving on.
Uhm, oh right, Steven. I got to see him tonight. :D This once-a-week thing is really hard for me. I miss him for six days, and get two hours, and then another six days where I feel lonely and depressed all over again. This feeling of being loved is so new, and I find myself wishing for his company all the time.. Normal, but hard when I can't just hop in the car and go see him-- ZZZOOOP. stopping. Only positive thoughts. Ahem.
So, we got to cuddle for a little bit tonight. That was when the whole being-loved thing kind of dawned on me. We were sitting in a corner of the foam pit, all kind of snuggled up, and I couldn't explain this feeling I had... Tingly and warm, but not all revved and hot like I usually feel when I'm around him. Less sexually-oriented and more like... A space in my chest being filled. I felt safe, and warm and just... LOVED. I could have stayed like that forever. We tell each other that we love each other, all the time, which according to everyone (fuck them) isn't real yet, and I have no experience, but I FELT it. Right there. Just this deep happiness that I've never had. With anything else.
We talked about kids today. Haha, that was a funny conversation. I kind of started it off, talking about what we were going to do with sports when we got old, because I wanted to see how comfortable he was with talking about our future. I mean, we've only been together for a month... And if he's not thinking longterm, I don't want to be like, "OMG WE'RE GETTING MARRIED RIGHT?!" and have him be like "what the fuck?! No, I want a life!" which I know he wouldn't say, but still. No rushing.
So he wants a son, obviously. He seemed not too hot on the idea of having a daughter, but I'm sorry. We will. I HAVE DECIDED. I will have at least one daughter and there's nothing you can do about it, bucko. :D Anyway. He doesn't know how good it made me feel to talk about that. I'm so scared all the time that I'll do something or something will happen and it'll be the end of us... Discussing a possible far distant future between us makes me feel like we at least have our daydreams in the right mindset. I know it's soon, but I have thought a LOT on this... And I don't know how he feels... And I wont ask him until the best possible moment, which may be a long time from now... But I would be so, so, perfectly, more-than-perfectly content to spend the rest of my life with him. Wherever it takes me.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
So genius. But at least something is positive.
Well, I found my iPod. It had fallen off my desk into my garbage can, hence why I couldn't find it for so long. Genius.
But... You know what this means, right? More Steven-texting!!! ;) and he's getting a phone on Friday, so it'll be constant communication. I like that. And I love talking to him, so it's a win-win. :)
My homework load isn't any less. I'm whittling away at it, but it's taking so long... And my graduation speech... but I can do it. And that DAMN AP test that I have to take in May... Still haven't finished my essay on The Prince yet. I never want to see that fucking book again. D:
Weight loss. I blow my diet. Almost every day. Some days I do so well, and others... I have to keep trying, though. I have till May 19 to be down to 130 pounds. That's 17 pounds to go. I want to just starve myself, which would be easier than trying to still eat in moderation, but I'm worried that will make my weight plateau. That my body will go into starvation mode and start storing fat... THAT, I do not need. I have plenty. Thoughts, anyone? Starve, or no starve? Eating in moderation does not work. I binge. No self-control.
I can't wait till I drive. I'll get to see Steven whenever I'm in town, and he might take college classes too. :) I miss him. Friday, where are you? :(
But... You know what this means, right? More Steven-texting!!! ;) and he's getting a phone on Friday, so it'll be constant communication. I like that. And I love talking to him, so it's a win-win. :)
My homework load isn't any less. I'm whittling away at it, but it's taking so long... And my graduation speech... but I can do it. And that DAMN AP test that I have to take in May... Still haven't finished my essay on The Prince yet. I never want to see that fucking book again. D:
Weight loss. I blow my diet. Almost every day. Some days I do so well, and others... I have to keep trying, though. I have till May 19 to be down to 130 pounds. That's 17 pounds to go. I want to just starve myself, which would be easier than trying to still eat in moderation, but I'm worried that will make my weight plateau. That my body will go into starvation mode and start storing fat... THAT, I do not need. I have plenty. Thoughts, anyone? Starve, or no starve? Eating in moderation does not work. I binge. No self-control.
I can't wait till I drive. I'll get to see Steven whenever I'm in town, and he might take college classes too. :) I miss him. Friday, where are you? :(
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