Well, tonight was the first time I'd ever kissed anyone. For all seventeen years of my life.
And I am so so so glad that it was Steven.
That boy drives me so crazy, he has no idea. We kissed twice today at the courthouse... And held hands... And later, we did some handstands and stuff on the edge of the planters around the courthouse and then sat side by side and just talked. I kind of leaned my head on his shoulder and stroked his arm. Because his arm is really buff, and I liked doing that. :3 And he didn't seem to mind. So that was really nice, too.
But yeah... I've been replaying the whole night over and over in my head. I can't believe that it actually happened... It all seems surreal. But I'm just so so happy right now... I can't take it.
We were at the courthouse, or we probably would have made out right there. I totally could have. He's so smoking hot that I melt.
Haha, we have Friday. It'll be okay. ;)
I love that boy so much. I prayed for someone like him for so long, and I'm not gonna screw this up. I'm going to tell my parents and get actual permission to date as soon as I get my room clean and get caught up on my homework. No later than early April.
Being in love is really weird. I'm not sure how to deal with this. :)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Well. :D
Not sure how to put it, but things are looking up.
Steven, actually. Just him. For some reason, my earlier suspicions about him are dissipating. Still hovering, but significantly thinner.
He's just so sweet. He had had a big fight with one of his best friends tonight, and I cheered him up a bit, but he got depressed again later. And he didn't want to make me listen to him be depressed, but I kind of forced him to get it out, you know? I do that with a few other friends. It always seems to work. Get the problem out into the open, and then work on it till it goes away. So that's what I did, and it worked for a while, but then his friend must've texted him again or something, because he said something about the problems restarting? and he kind of went down. And then here's the kicker. He APOLOGIZED. To me. When I was the one who made him talk to me about it in the first place. He says, "im sorry for jerking you around with my emotions all day.. i really didnt mean to"
And then before I can respond, he says, "So, hi. What's up?" trying to change the subject. Is it just me, or does that seem unrealistically sweet?
Anyway, long story short, I cheered him up again (I think, he told me I was making him smile) and then told him go to bed, even though he wanted to stay up and talk more. So sweet. :D
An elaborate hoax to make himself seem caring and awesome? Maybe. But that just sounds like a conspiracy theory, ridiculous, the more I think about it.
Anyway. We'll know soon enough. He's coming to the gym on Friday. At 6:30.
I'm really really super duper excited. And so is he. He said he had butterflies.
I went and screamed into my pillow for an hour after we said goodbye.
I'm so unreasonably excited, I want to crawl into a hole and stay there with my happiness. Weird, I know. But I don't know what to do with myself!!!
Even though I don't want him to do it over my opinion, and told him so, I think he's gonna cut his hair. This just gets crazier and crazier. There's no way he could care that much about what I think, and yet I think he does. Or something.
And to add to the list of things right about Steven: he loves shooting. This is a direct copy and paste. Ignore the grammar mistakes. I think they're cute. :3
"i love shooting to haha, and swimming. cooking, idk how to cook lol. does top ramen count? and pb&j's?"
ISNT THAT THE CUTEST THING YOU'VE EVER READ?!!!!
Every time I add up his qualities in my head (minus the hair, I CAN'T GET PAST THAT rofl) I think, "my kinda guy."
What's happening to me?? :D
Steven, actually. Just him. For some reason, my earlier suspicions about him are dissipating. Still hovering, but significantly thinner.
He's just so sweet. He had had a big fight with one of his best friends tonight, and I cheered him up a bit, but he got depressed again later. And he didn't want to make me listen to him be depressed, but I kind of forced him to get it out, you know? I do that with a few other friends. It always seems to work. Get the problem out into the open, and then work on it till it goes away. So that's what I did, and it worked for a while, but then his friend must've texted him again or something, because he said something about the problems restarting? and he kind of went down. And then here's the kicker. He APOLOGIZED. To me. When I was the one who made him talk to me about it in the first place. He says, "im sorry for jerking you around with my emotions all day.. i really didnt mean to"
And then before I can respond, he says, "So, hi. What's up?" trying to change the subject. Is it just me, or does that seem unrealistically sweet?
Anyway, long story short, I cheered him up again (I think, he told me I was making him smile) and then told him go to bed, even though he wanted to stay up and talk more. So sweet. :D
An elaborate hoax to make himself seem caring and awesome? Maybe. But that just sounds like a conspiracy theory, ridiculous, the more I think about it.
Anyway. We'll know soon enough. He's coming to the gym on Friday. At 6:30.
I'm really really super duper excited. And so is he. He said he had butterflies.
I went and screamed into my pillow for an hour after we said goodbye.
I'm so unreasonably excited, I want to crawl into a hole and stay there with my happiness. Weird, I know. But I don't know what to do with myself!!!
Even though I don't want him to do it over my opinion, and told him so, I think he's gonna cut his hair. This just gets crazier and crazier. There's no way he could care that much about what I think, and yet I think he does. Or something.
And to add to the list of things right about Steven: he loves shooting. This is a direct copy and paste. Ignore the grammar mistakes. I think they're cute. :3
"i love shooting to haha, and swimming. cooking, idk how to cook lol. does top ramen count? and pb&j's?"
ISNT THAT THE CUTEST THING YOU'VE EVER READ?!!!!
Every time I add up his qualities in my head (minus the hair, I CAN'T GET PAST THAT rofl) I think, "my kinda guy."
What's happening to me?? :D
Monday, March 5, 2012
Confuuuuusion.
I don't know what to make of Steven. Honestly.
On one hand, he's super nice, really complimentary, and agrees with all my values and opinions.
On the other hand, it seems too good to be true. The only thing that makes me think that he's probably okay? That he's not perfect. He seems kinda vain (shirtless mirror pics) and he has long hair.
It's pretty sad when I have to revert to things like that to evaluate people. I feel like I'm blinded. Like I'm not looking at this with a clear head. I have this intense feeling that something's wrong.
And I know I can't trust my feelings, either. I've had intense feelings that something's RIGHT, when it absolutely wasn't. So I have NOTHING to go on.
I'm finally, maybe gonna meet him on Thursday. Maybe. Bear and him and the rest of their parkour club will be downtown. I told them to stop by the Peer Court building so I could run down and say hi. I'm wondering how that'll turn out.
He said during our conversation tonight, "You're safe with me. <3" after I told him not to tell anyone about my weight. He's just... I don't know. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT HE ACTUALLY LIKES ME. But I can't shake the feeling that it's like Nicky, and he just wants to get in my pants. Or that he's a douche. I don't know.
I asked Bear about it. I tell you, that kid is incapable of giving a straight answer. Give him one thread to digress to, and before long he's making porn jokes and you've both forgotten your original question. All I got out of our conversation was that Steven said, "Are you trying to hook us up? Cause I'd be fine with it," which is what Steven told me, so at least he's being truthful; that Bear's been working on his anime drawings; and that it's actually really hilarious when you replace random words with "cum." Wow, Bear. So helpful.
One thing he did say, though, was that Steven was NOT a douche. Although, it was in the middle of a bunch of jokes he was making, so I don't know if he meant it or not. But I'm pretty sure he was serious. So that made me feel a tiny bit better. But the whole thing is just so... iffy. Gahhh.
I'm going to wait until after I meet him to make any solid opinions.
The whole thing is NOT helped by the fact that he makes me feel so amazing. It's the first time in my life that I don't feel insecure about ANYTHING, with a guy, even talking to him. I don't have to try to be cool, I don't have to pretend to be all badass or anything. Hell, I told him my weight. I'VE NEVER TOLD A GUY HOW MUCH I WEIGH. Excepting Jason, because he wasn't a romantic interest. But really. And Steven just was so chill about ALL of it. EVERYTHING I TOLD HIM. Later, he says, "What would you say if I told you, I have a real soft spot... And I love cuddling? Lol" and I said some funny and super non-committal response, since I didn't know what to think about that... And then I said, "What would YOU say if I told you I'm very conservative, but not in the older sense, very Christian, and I love shooting? Since all three of those seem to be very unpopular these days." And he says, "I would say you are very intelligent, those last two are awesome.... me too."
I couldn't help it. I freaked out. It's seriously, TOO GOOD. Only thing keeping me from being REALLY suspicious about his lack of douche-ness is that he has long hair cause he's trying to copy a parkour guy he likes. So there's at least ONE thing wrong with him. Sorta wrong. But it's a wrong thing that's understandable. So it's not really a mark down in his favor.
AHHH IM SO CONFUSED AND UNSURE AND FREAKED OUT AND SCARED :(
I don't know. I'm tired. I'm sleeping. :/
On one hand, he's super nice, really complimentary, and agrees with all my values and opinions.
On the other hand, it seems too good to be true. The only thing that makes me think that he's probably okay? That he's not perfect. He seems kinda vain (shirtless mirror pics) and he has long hair.
It's pretty sad when I have to revert to things like that to evaluate people. I feel like I'm blinded. Like I'm not looking at this with a clear head. I have this intense feeling that something's wrong.
And I know I can't trust my feelings, either. I've had intense feelings that something's RIGHT, when it absolutely wasn't. So I have NOTHING to go on.
I'm finally, maybe gonna meet him on Thursday. Maybe. Bear and him and the rest of their parkour club will be downtown. I told them to stop by the Peer Court building so I could run down and say hi. I'm wondering how that'll turn out.
He said during our conversation tonight, "You're safe with me. <3" after I told him not to tell anyone about my weight. He's just... I don't know. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT HE ACTUALLY LIKES ME. But I can't shake the feeling that it's like Nicky, and he just wants to get in my pants. Or that he's a douche. I don't know.
I asked Bear about it. I tell you, that kid is incapable of giving a straight answer. Give him one thread to digress to, and before long he's making porn jokes and you've both forgotten your original question. All I got out of our conversation was that Steven said, "Are you trying to hook us up? Cause I'd be fine with it," which is what Steven told me, so at least he's being truthful; that Bear's been working on his anime drawings; and that it's actually really hilarious when you replace random words with "cum." Wow, Bear. So helpful.
One thing he did say, though, was that Steven was NOT a douche. Although, it was in the middle of a bunch of jokes he was making, so I don't know if he meant it or not. But I'm pretty sure he was serious. So that made me feel a tiny bit better. But the whole thing is just so... iffy. Gahhh.
I'm going to wait until after I meet him to make any solid opinions.
The whole thing is NOT helped by the fact that he makes me feel so amazing. It's the first time in my life that I don't feel insecure about ANYTHING, with a guy, even talking to him. I don't have to try to be cool, I don't have to pretend to be all badass or anything. Hell, I told him my weight. I'VE NEVER TOLD A GUY HOW MUCH I WEIGH. Excepting Jason, because he wasn't a romantic interest. But really. And Steven just was so chill about ALL of it. EVERYTHING I TOLD HIM. Later, he says, "What would you say if I told you, I have a real soft spot... And I love cuddling? Lol" and I said some funny and super non-committal response, since I didn't know what to think about that... And then I said, "What would YOU say if I told you I'm very conservative, but not in the older sense, very Christian, and I love shooting? Since all three of those seem to be very unpopular these days." And he says, "I would say you are very intelligent, those last two are awesome.... me too."
I couldn't help it. I freaked out. It's seriously, TOO GOOD. Only thing keeping me from being REALLY suspicious about his lack of douche-ness is that he has long hair cause he's trying to copy a parkour guy he likes. So there's at least ONE thing wrong with him. Sorta wrong. But it's a wrong thing that's understandable. So it's not really a mark down in his favor.
AHHH IM SO CONFUSED AND UNSURE AND FREAKED OUT AND SCARED :(
I don't know. I'm tired. I'm sleeping. :/
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